- Speed- Much to everyone's disbelief growing a beard will not improve your mile splits. I know Rob Krar rocks one and it works for him; but no mater how long you grow it there is no enhancement. Even if there was some sort of improvement you could expect to see it listed under the banned substances list of the future governing body (jokes a side, you know it is coming).
- The Wild One- Unless you went to Hal Koerner's school of grooming you will have the wild stray hairs. There is one in every crowd and when it comes to the beard they grow the opposite direction of the rest. You can try to temporarily tame it by pressing it down or combing it over but you will not succeed. It will find a way through the restraint and do whatever it wants.
- Hipster Points- We all know no one likes them. AS you order your coffee you try to restrain from laughing at the flannel wearing schmohawk. In reality you have more in common with that guy then you think. To everyone else at the shop you two could be brothers. Try to distance yourself, but you aren't fooling anyone; you earned those hipster points, whether you want them or not.
- Crazy Eyes- Running down the trail shirtless; wearing neon shoes; a piece of fabric wrapped around your head; and sporting a 3" inseam; makes you look crazy. For other users of the trail they will probably be reaching for their phone as they frantically dial 911. 'Yes I would like to report a strange, half naked man with a beard running down the trail towards me. No, he looks crazy. Yes, I feel unsafe. Please hurry.' Don't take it personally but that unkept beard is a one way ticket to the looney bin.
- Scraps- Like pasta with tons of sauce? How about gorging on sliced watermelon? Well, forget it. All your meals are best eaten through a straw. Beards are better described as the gate keepers to the mouth. With a beard everything you consume travels through the beard first, leaving evidence behind. Evidence in the form of crumbs, seeds, sticky peanut butter, basically anything. They nice thing is that on long runs you always have a backup food source lurking in the hair.